When I was living in the precinct of St John’s Cathedral in Brisbane 2000 – 2005, these actual excerpts from various church bulletins did the rounds of the precinct and were enjoyed by all with much hilarity.
Christmas is coming and I recently discovered them in my text archives, and as it is the season to be jolly, I thought there may be some of you out there who would enjoy them too.
These delightful anecdotes reveal how easily our human frailty surfaces when we muddle our metaphors and grammar guidance is needed.
• Don’t let worry kill you – let the Church help.
• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference, includes meals.”
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
• The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m.-prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 pm. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
Carolyn McDowall, The Culture Concept Circle, 2017